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If you go to a therapist to talk about problems all the time them you need a new therapist.

This woman was complaining the other day that she was going to have to start paying her therapist out of pocket because she had a new insurance provider. After she spoke her mind about that, she went on to air her grievances about her husband always working and not helping around the house, her boss not giving here time off, and her in-laws always taking her husbands side.

When she was done venting I asked her,  “Is this what you talk about in therapy?”

Woman: (looking at me confused) “Yes”

Me:  “Well, I can save you some money. Get a new therapist.”

Woman : “What? I love her! And I have been seeing her forever!”

Me: “That’s exactly the problem. These “people” in your life are not the problem. And the only reason they seem like problems is because you keep talking about them. What’s your therapist’s solution for all of this?”

Woman: (confused)

Here is the deal. This woman loves her therapist because she gets an hour a week to go in and complain and feel validated. If you focus on external things being the problem in your life then you will never get anywhere. Focus on solutions not problems. And the solution is you. You are the only person you can change. The first step is owning up and taking responsibility for your own life. Your spouse not being home enough is not the problem. Your boss giving your too much work is not the problem. Your opinionated in-laws and family members are not the problem. They are actually your solution. One of my favorite quotes is from author Byron Katie:

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you.”

The external things that are causing problems for you are opportunities to get at the core of your healing. You may be mad at your spouse for working because you too want to find your life purpose. You may see your in-laws or family members as judgmental but what is THEIR opinion triggering in you that you haven’t healed? Why do other people’s opinions bother you?

Therapy and healing is not a time to gossip and waste money talking about other people. It’s YOUR appointment. It’s YOUR time. The only person that you should be talking about is YOU.