Trauma – You don’t get over it, you get through it. You must get through trauma. When you “go over it” you try and pretend like it isn’t there, like it didn’t happen. That is impossible because what the mind tries to forget the body remembers and vice versa.

Think about where your mind goes when you say “September 11th”? Just typing the date immediately took me back to where I was that day. Sometimes I can’t remember what I did yesterday but I can tell you everything I was doing at that exact moment. I also had the same experience when the Challenger Space Shuttle exploded 15 years earlier. I remember how my body felt, I remember the thoughts I was having, and I remember how quiet everything got around me. After suffering a compound fracture during a high school soccer game my body eventually recovered but my mind never did. When I play today, I still hesitate when I receive the ball and have to cut and turn just like I did when I heard my bones crack.

These are examples of what happens to people when they experience trauma or tragedy. Sometimes we push the traumas out of our minds so we don’t remember them but the after effects manifest in other areas. We never forget. There are things that happen to us when we are little that shape us into who we are today. A dog may bite a child and the child may grow up fearing dogs. A child of an abusive or absent parent may grow up believing they aren’t good enough or worthy of love. A child who is bullied grows up angry and scared to pursue his dreams.

This continues through adulthood. After a failed marriage the husband or wife may struggle to get close to anyone again. We didn’t get the job or promotion we wanted so we stop trying. After a miscarriage, a mother fears getting pregnant again or believes she is undeserving. Traumas change things but they don’t have to keep us from living.

I will never forget when the doctor told me there was no heartbeat, or when we got news of my Dad’s diagnosis, or when I was cut from the soccer team. Our situations in life will not always be pleasant, some will be tragic. We must recognized that through our trials and tribulations can come transcendence. You will never forget, even if you say you are “over it”. You are not over it unless you process it and go into it. If you don’t, you will spend the rest of your life running from it and you may not even know you are.

Going into the pain is the only way through. If you lost a loved one, a friend abandoned you, or you were physically injured, you don’t just wake up the next day and go on without being affected. Life as you knew it changed and with that you must too.

In the book, “When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times”, Pema Chodron writes, “We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

We will always remember the images of planes crashing through the Twin Towers. I will always remember the sound of a silent heart on the ultrasound machine and the image of my baby resting peacefully in my womb. I will never forget my Dad’s last breath and laying him into the ground. We get through these memories in our minds by letting them in and letting love win. We use the scars as reminders of what matters. What matters is how much you love, how much you overcame, and how much stronger you are.

Simple Exercise for today:

Close your eyes and think about something in your life that still causes you distress and keeps you from enjoying life. Envision that moment and talk to that “You” back then. What would you say to them? Become a loving adult to your inner child and bring them through that moment so it no longer has to burden you. You have everything you need to heal. A part of you is still stuck in that moment. Take the hand of your inner child and bring them to today. Focus on the valuable lessons you learned from your bad experience and make more room for the love you realized, the strength you acquired, and the perspective you gained.