Be nice to mean people – it is hard, but necessary. This is one of the hardest lessons for my clients. Trust me, there is nothing worse than having someone attack you- especially publicly on Facebook! This recently happened to me and it was awful. However, I was able to turn it into a very positive experience, one that brought necessary healing.

If I truly want to follow my passions and purpose, I will have to deal with negative comments and opinions. And by dealing, I mean healing. Not everyone is going to like you and at times, your own friends and family members won’t. Arguments and hurt feelings are a part of life, but they do not have to rob us of our peace and happiness. Too often, we let one person steal our joy. I remember when I had my first unsubscriber from my newsletter and it ate at me! Now I have had plenty.

We can guarantee that we will be hurt by someone in our life. We will fight with our friends and spouse. We will argue with family. We will get mean comments on Facebook…it just happens. However, if you can learn to let love win, you will come out winning too. Here are some tips to help you be nice to mean people.

Stop, Breathe, and Step Away

If you receive a nasty message or someone says something hurtful during a heated confrontation, do whatever you can to STOP, BREATHE, AND STEP AWAY!!!  Responding to negative energy with negative energy does nothing but fuel the fire. Trust me, I have been there. I always wanted to be right and wanted the last word. However, now that I have peace, balance, and joy in my life it doesn’t matter anymore. I truly love who I am and I live according to my core values and beliefs.  My decisions are mine and I do not need the approval of others. While working towards finding peace and balance, it will be so hard to walk away. It will be so hard not to speak your mind but this action is necessary in order to stop the madness. If you receive a message, do not respond right away. If you are in an argument with someone, stop and simply set a healthy boundary that takes care of yourself. Make sure to focus on you and not the other person. Things you can say are, “I need to break from this conversation. I am having difficulties controlling my emotions. I need to process this.”

Process and Go to a Loving Place

So you walk away and you choose not to respond – then what? Well, most people process anger by getting it out. So it is very likely you will find yourself calling mom, a friend, or someone to vent. While this is not the most healthy thing to do, it is necessary to clear the negative emotions. You need to get them out of your system so you can make room for the good stuff. I recently had to do this and fortunately I do have people I can call on to listen. When you do this, also understand and appreciate that you are throwing negative energy at them so ask for their permission first. I usually say something like, “I need to vent and get some emotions out, are you available to help  me process this or just listen?”

I try my best to not air my grievances on others but there are times where you just need the support. Other great ways to clear negative emotions are through physical activity, journaling, and distraction. I usually go for a run or partake in some sort of exercise. Other times I will write ferociously or do something to take my mind of the matter. Distracting ourselves from the situation is not avoidance. It can actually be very helpful to do something else to help gain some clarity and perspective. I find if I play with my kids or go outside, I am reminded of the things that matter and can reconnect with my values.

Once you feel the inner conflict and negative emotions release, it is absolutely necessary to go to a loving place. You can do this through meditation, saying loving affirmations, prayer, or whatever makes you come back to a peaceful state.

Be Compassionate and Curious

Once you feel calm, look at the situation you were in with compassion and curiosity. Think about the person you were arguing with and understand that their emotions are a reflection of some sort of pain they are experiencing. Then be curious towards your anger. Use this situation as a way to heal and grow. If this person said something that hurt you, what is being triggered? Our negative emotions usually stem from something we haven’t healed in our past. It can trigger something in us that reminds us of a traumatic event in our past. For example, when I was attacked in a Facebook comment by someone that I don’t even know, I found my body shaking and getting all warm. It was horrible and overwhelming. Because I have done so much therapy work on this, I was able to realize that I was having a conditioned response to something I experienced before. I felt like I did back in high school when I was bullied terribly. I started having feelings like, “I am not good enough” and “No one likes me”. This was an excellent moment of healing and growth for me. No it was not fun to be attacked, yet I chose to face it and use it as an opportunity to shed more layers that needed healing so I can truly love who I am.

Let Love Win

When you feel like you have reached a balanced state, respond in a loving way. You may not understand why hurtful things were said to you, but it doesn’t matter. You do not need to know. We do not go around hurting people on purpose, so remind yourself that the other person is hurting too. Also, be aware that your loving response will not always be met with love. This is very hard and sometimes you may need to let go of the relationship.