Learning how to choose your own path is not always easy, especially when we have so many people that influence us. How do you do what you want and not feel guilty about it? So many times we feel like we are letting our parents and others down – even as adults. The other night I was talking to my 5-year-old daughter and she had some interesting insight. Here is how our conversation went:
Teya: “Mom, you can’t do whatever you want.”
Me: “What? I can’t?”
Teya: “No, because you have a mom. And when you have a mom you can’t do whatever you want.”
Me: “Well, I am an adult now. I can make my own decisions.”
Teya: (looking at me like I am crazy) “Really mom? Nana is your mom. ”
Me: (laughing) “Hmmm, good point.”
Teya: “Oh but mom, I am going to be a teacher, an artist, and do music stuff when I grow up. That’s what I decided.”
Although my conversation with my daughter was pretty hysterical, she is quite wise at the age of 5. Teya brings up an important issue that holds so many people back as adults – it is called conditioning. As we grow up we are conditioned or trained to believe certain things. We have to abide by the rules of our parents and when we reach adulthood many of us have a hard time breaking free. We struggle to step into our own life. We feel stuck and lost because we don’t know how to move forward without our parent’s approval.
As an adult, there were many times in my life that I didn’t do something I wanted because I thought my parent’s would be disappointed. I felt like I was going against their beliefs. I felt guilt and shame. I got caught in a cycle of codependence. I couldn’t make my own decisions and I was confused about who I was. I thought, “If my values and beliefs are different, does that mean I am bad?” “Am I being ungrateful?” “Will they be ashamed of me?” “Will they still love me?”
There have been many times that I have tried to steer my kids in certain directions. I have tried to push my own agendas on them. I admit to convincing them that one sport or activity is better than another. I was never doing this to try and hurt them, I was doing this to protect them. Protect them from injuries and bullies. As a parent now, I understand how difficult it is to find the balance between honoring your child’s unique gifts and helping them be accepted in society.
While I know the only acceptance my children need is from themselves, they aren’t strong and wise enough yet. They will need my support, just as I still look for my mom’s today. Our jobs as parents is to give our kids a childhood journey that is safe, loving, full of opportunities, and life lessons. We are to instill values and morals based on love. We give them tools and a guide but when it is time for them to walk alone, they decide the next path they will take.
So when my daughter says she wants to be a teacher and an artist I ignore those conditioned beliefs that she will not make it and embrace her dreams. I tell her how awesome her dreams are. Because if she believes she can, she will.
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