Complaints about men, yep, we all have them.
Put your hands up if you’ve ever thought or said some of the things I used to say about men (or my husband). They are pretty ridiculous.
1. He doesn’t understand me
This statement is simply a cry for support and love outside yourself. First, no one is going to truly understand you but you because you are you. Many will try and argue with this and say, “My mom understands me,” or “My sister understands me,” or “My best friend understands me”…so “Why doesn’t my husband understand me?”
Here is the thing…your mom, sister, and friend will each understand you in different ways and your husband or boyfriend will understand you in ways that they do not. If you catch yourself saying this statement, stop and look in the mirror and ask yourself who needs to understand you. The answer is you. Only you.
You only need to know yourself and support yourself. We are all unique and have different brains, perceptions, and perspectives. We are supposed to think differently. So appreciate what you both bring the table. Learn to love yourself and your decisions and stop looking outside of yourself for acceptance. If your significant other says things that offend you than set a loving boundary.
2. He doesn’t care about me
So you are in a relationship with someone, possibly even married and you truly believe that they do not care about you. If you say this statement, stop and ask yourself, “Is this really true?” So he went to play golf with the guys instead of hanging out with you or didn’t call you right after work. Maybe he didn’t plan that date night you dreamed up in your mind. Are these really grounds for saying “He doesn’t care about you?” No. Why?
Because he can’t read your mind and he also has a lot of things on his mind. Male minds are pretty simple but they also are full of other things they don’t express like how to pay the bills, how to get all the work down, how to get home on time and not make their spouse upset, how to now get shit from their friends, how to make their mom and dad’s happy, and who to select for their fantasy football teams. That’s important stuff.
It may not make sense to you but your stuff may not make sense to them. If you want something, ask for it nicely because nagging and getting upset just drives them away. The key is caring for the self. When you love and care for yourself, you will never feel alone. You will be in joy and the people in your life will be bonuses.
3. He doesn’t show emotion or open up
Guess what? He probably doesn’t know how. It’s not that he doesn’t have emotions or feelings like so many women believe. I hear this all the time. “He is insensitive”, “He has no emotions or feelings”, or “He never talks to me about anything or opens up”. If your man doesn’t do this, chances are he probably doesn’t know how. Why? Because from a very young age he was told to “toughen up”, “be a man”, “stop crying”, and to “quit being a pussy”. So what happened is that any feeling that he had got stuffed and stuffed inside over the years and the only way it may be released is in the form of anger.
4. All he wants is sex
Correction – all he wants is sex, food, and not to be nagged. Like I said, the male mind is simple. This isn’t all true of course but these are three needs I have found that when given they are very happy. It’s a chemical thing for sure. Men also do want other things. They do want connection, fun, excitement, adventure, success, recognition, education, and many other things depending on their personalities and desires.
Many do want sex but if that is all they wanted they wouldn’t survive. Their brains are wired to procreate, they are built to want sex. This is not anything they can change, it’s science. Be glad they want to have sex with you. They find you attractive. I would much rather have my husband want sex with me than not.
5. He doesn’t communicate
This is false. Males communicate but in the way that they know how to communicate. If he was taught to not talk about it or to not show emotion, it is not going to be easy for him to communicate, especially in the way that you would like. Think about other males in your life. Did you sit down with your dad, brothers, male bosses and long drawn out conversations about all your feelings, desires, and mushy stuff? Chances are you didn’t.
If you did, that’s awesome. Not many males have grown up that way. Also, if you are anything like me you aren’t looking for an answer or opinion anyway. You just want someone to listen to you. How many times have you asked your man’s opinion and you didn’t like his answer anyway. That’s because you already know the answer! We all have the answer. Sometimes we just need to talk out loud. Ask yourself what you are wanting from your man and start giving it to yourself.
6. He’d rather go out with his friends
And you would too at times. I would hope that you want to have friendships as well. We all need connections outside of our relationships. If your man is spending more time with his friends than you, then there are some things to look at. First, what part do you play in this? I remember when my husband starting booking more band gigs and playing with his friends and I would get upset. I would nag and be passive aggressive and say things like, “Oh you’re playing a gig again?” or “Don’t you care about your family?” Well, that energy sucks and doesn’t evoke any positive change.
Do you think that made my husband want to stay home with me? Also, what aren’t you doing in your life that your attention is on him? I found that I was actually jealous of my husband’s band and time with friends. After I had kids, I had stopped doing things I enjoyed. I put all my energy in the kids and left nothing for myself. Had I continued playing soccer or making time for my friendships, I wouldn’t have blamed my husband. After realizing this, we sat down and made a plan to support each other in the things we wanted to do in our lives outside of our relationship.
7. He doesn’t care about the family or kids
Ask yourself if this is true? So many women say things to me like, “He is always working”, “He never comes to any of the kid’s events”, or “He doesn’t spend time with the kids”. Newsflash: If your man is working than trust me, he cares about his family and kids. He has been raised to be a provider. He cares so much about his family, his kid’s colleges, and his home that he probably thinks about them all the time. He may stay at the office late and check his emails constantly. I know this sucks, trust me. I can count on my hand how many athletic events my father came too. But that didn’t mean he didn’t care. He cared – he cared so much that he worked so hard for us. We need to recognize that our men have been conditioned to provide, to make a lot, to make more, to be successful, and to work and work and work. Instead of saying, he doesn’t care, recognize that he does care and may need some help with life/work balance. You can support him by helping him get windows of time with the kids. By thanking him and showing him love so he WANTS to come home.
My husband Brad talks about 3 of the main complaints here hears about men often, and offers advice for how both men and women can overcome them together.